HARPO MARXISM

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Watching Oprah: My Venture to Hell, Part I.
By Bernard Chapin

Just a short while ago it seemed that Michael Moore was all the rage as many leftists spontaneously interjected a great "truth" from his films into normal conversation. Whenever one responded by bringing up Moore's penchant for lies, the response of, "Well, you probably didn't even bother to see the movie," was made. To get around this endless argument stopper, I broke down and rented two of his scandalographies. Despite my suffering, those wasted hours proved an excellent means for combating, and infuriating, the pontificating leftists I encountered.
I have found that I am often subjected to the same "you have to watch it first" argument regarding Oprah Winfrey. That she has a near cult following among American women is beyond dispute. It seems that nearly every woman I know, regardless of their learning capacity, values the program. As a heterosexual, I have found that the best way of dealing with the issue is to avoid it because invariably a new flame may have copies of O Magazine laying around the coffee table. My current girlfriend even corrected me regarding the subject. She said, "I don't like Oprah; I love Oprah." Upon hearing that, I longed to get the subject back to potpourri.
The point is, Oprah is so adored one has to just accept this negative trait among individual women, but that doesn't mean that we can't skewer the show in print. That being said, let's hook up the OxyContin I.V. and enter the over-emotional big top. We will boldly go where New Age men go everyday. The program will be discussed first and then be evaluated via four measures, which are as follows:
The Castration Index—how much male bashing is evident over its
forty-some minutes.
Irresponsibility Index—how much the forces outside a person are to
blame for the situation they find themselves in.
"It's all about me" Scale—what percent of the show is devoted to
narcissism and self-focus.
Pity Promenade—how much the guests plead for the audience to
embrace them and feel sympathy for how bad these women have it
living in our luxurious land of due process, strip malls, and doggy
therapists.
Cross to Bear I: The Williams Sisters.
The Directv Guide noted that Venus and Serena Williams would be the focus for day one. I felt like skipping it because I figured it would be more objective than the norm. Then I realized that this would further skew my, already-too-small, sample. The screen lit up and there was Oprah with a face a decade younger than when I last saw her a decade ago. What could have caused such age resistance? Perhaps she has found the fountain of youth. Then she began to speak, and within seconds she made a dig towards men. She claimed that young women were getting plastic surgery and had body identification problems due to their need to please boys. I've heard this stuff for many years now and it's bunkum. Analyzing girls in a vacuum is merely intellectual cowardice. Adolescence, regardless of sex, is a time of uncertainty and striving marked by rampant insecurity. Well, there it is; the non-sexist truth. So, do I get to take over her highchair upon the stage? Oh, I guess not. Meritocracy is something we only fantasize about at present.
Oprah then introduced her guests. The two Williams sisters emerged and were sincere, beautiful and unassuming throughout. They were perhaps the only mature people in the building. Jada Pinkett Smith rounded out the celebrity panel, and wholeheartedly competed for attention with the host for the remainder of the program.
What was the rationale for bringing these performers out? Well, it was to save American girls [I'm not making it up. That's what the show was ostensibly about]. Mrs. Smith brought with her a new book entitled, Girls Hold Up the World . I have not read the book but assume that it does not refer to a "woman's place" being in the building trades. The Williams sisters also had a book which was displayed. Oprah then declared that they were having "a girl party." Smith added that it would last "all day long." From this particular celebrity, who is the wife of Will Smith, we find that the secret to finding love is to love your self. The audience cheered ecstatically. Is such an assumption true? Absolutely not, why would anyone love another based on self-love? I have no idea. It's a non-starter and is probably more an indicator of self-absorption than of confidence or any other endearing quality. Self-love is an affront to God and leads to vanity, narcissism, and the shallowness of mind wherein a person prefers television to reading or thinking.
A psychologist was introduced and said the problem many young girls have is that boys (she added men later) come along and "drop trash" into women's bodies. Girls are not "receptacles for sperm," their bodies are temples and not a dumping zone for male insecurities. Oprah agreed heartily and even said that "there needs to be a revolution." There sure does and it's going to start with her being forced to read my critique in a non-ritzy location.
The assault on men never got underway, however. It was undermined by the statements of her adolescent guests. A hurt girl, upon being prodded as to why she felt insecure, chose not to blame boys but instead cited her sisters' excellence as the main factor. Then another, as she attempted to blame boys for her situation, accidentally alerted the audience that she was a source not to be trusted. It seems that the boys taunting her did so because her breasts were too big. As a result, she got breast reduction surgery. She pointed out that boys don't like girls with large chests [and we don't like pizza either].
Next came a 16-year-old who has already "known" 8 boys. She confessed that the sex never felt good to her. Smith's message was enabling. She said, first off, that the girl was "not a slut." This was an attempt to instill her with free self-esteem which, everyone outside of education and television, is aware of being a bogus concept. I hearken back to Roger Scruton and long for a return to stigma. Labeling her what she is may sound harsh but it offers a better chance to alter future behavior. It also would foreshadow how she'll be viewed as an adult which would be of great service.
That irrationality can become a permanent lifestyle choice was evident after Oprah turned to a girl whose mother encouraged her to lose weight and exercise. It appears that mom's sound advice ravaged the young lady's self-esteem. The in-house psychologist criticized mom. She said not to "love her so much that way," meaning, I suppose, try to encourage her to make positive lifestyle adjustments. Why did the psychologist say that? Because she's a quack, that's why. There's nothing demeaning about informing the ignorant. Yet, it is rather humorous to consider what this young girl's performance in a future work place might be like:
Boss: "Hey, can you take on this project?"
Young Lady: "When you ask me to do things [torrent of tears] you make me feel like a slave."
Boss: "I'm sorry, ah, ah, isn't your job to complete this stuff?"
Young Lady: "I'm not here for you to boss around."
Boss: "You're not?"
Under the pretense of helping others, Oprah was able to get a little bragging in. She announced that the thing she liked best about herself was that she had a big heart. Later, she mentioned that as a child she knew she was smart and could "read anybody under the table." Personally, I doubt the veracity of any of such qualities. An intelligent person does not exude such an arrogant air in regards to every subject brought up.
Honestly though, this installment was most auspicious. I had no idea that so much negativity could be conveyed through a program purportedly about the Williams sisters. "The Oprah Winfrey Show" is far more virulent than I originally believed. It's beyond satire as a break even featured a commercial for, get ready for this, www.depressionhurts.com.
Well, let's take a look at the numbers:
Castration Index: 5—They tried to team the horses up to trample men but couldn't find their spurs.
Irresponsibilty Index: 8—Sure, most of these girls face unbelievable threats from society and their families. That they're not evident to the rest of us is due to our lack of sensitivity.
"It's all about me" Scale: 10—Has to be a 10 when the old lie, "you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else," is trotted out like a dying Soviet general for a May Day Parade.
Pity Promenade: 10—Another perfect score, oh how sad we feel for you going through adolescence. Can you imagine what it would be like if it happened to everyone? And without an audience to commiserate with?
OVERALL RATING=33.
Tune in tomorrow, I'll be back in hell.

Oprah 3: Into the "Mind" of an Oprah-atic.
By Bernard Chapin
I was about to begin Part 3 of our glorious MND Production, "Watching Oprah: My Venture to Hell," but had to postpone it for a day or so to tend to this matter. If you recall, our editor is quite enthused over the project and spared no expense by loaning me both a pencil and an eraser for the duration of my work. Now, that's not to say that he didn't have serious concerns originally though. He knew it would negate the possibilities of his ever being interviewed on the slathering O stage. He envisioned himself sitting before a large [don't you know it!] throng of limbic system junkies berating him about what a b*stard he was, and these thoughts made him fuzzy and safe. Mike even called me up on the phone to tell me just what my mouth was costing him: "You're ruining everything for me. I should have sold you to that Gypsy Weekly when I had the chance."
With this as background, one realizes how traumatized I was when an email from an Oprah worshipper came. Apparently, she doesn't appreciate my work, and, as a side note, it's a good bet that the gypsies wouldn't either. Oh well, for the purposes of instruction, fairness, and entertainment, I will reproduce her words in their entirety below. Of course, as you can imagine, my response will follow, but equal time is far better treatment than any of my enemies would give me. She begins by extending the fist of peace:
"Ok...please get a hobby! You obviously don't like Oprah - good for you. But
your over the top commentary and self-righteous attitude is hypocritical. You –
sir - are judgmental. You make Oprah out to be Jesus. She's just a woman with
a talk show. If you don't like her opinions, don't watch her. Why don't you go
after the 'King of all Media' - Howard Stern. Now there's a egomaniac. Oh,
that's right ... that's just an act. He's really the nicest, most humble person you'll
ever know. Stop being fooled.

Doofuss, Oprahs target audience is women! Do you get that! So, most of the
shows are going to be about issues that effect this audience. Go watch Spike TV!

Yes, I know this will just send you over the edge but I've got to say it: Oprah is
an inspiration. She came from nothing and made it! She's NOT pretty, blond or
skinny. And that's just kills you doesn't it~ How can someone who looks like
that - make it? And God forbid she inspires some women to get off their asses,
leave abusive men and stop making excuses for themselves. You'd rather see
someone who looks like Uma Thurman in that position - don't you! That would
make you feel more comfortable. Someone more all American. But gasp... the
nightmare continues - it's a fat, black woman who has some influence. That
scares you obviously. Hitler ...oops..... your biggest fear!

You keep harping on her ego. Beavis - we all have egos! Mother Theresa had
an ego. The Pope has an ego. Bill Gates - your hero - has an ego! When
have you NOT heard Bill Gates giving away large sums of money without a press
conference and a 'plug' about a new Microsoft product. What about Ted Turner
giving away 1 Billion dollars to the UN. That arrogant - 'mouth from the south'
told everybody and everybody's grandmother! He held several press conferences.
OK - what about 'The Donald': Donald Trump. The man you idolize. When is
this man NOT talking about himself. Why is it ok for Men to have egos?

Why can't a southern, educated black woman have an opinion and some ego.
Does it scare you that much? Is she really tearing the American public apart!
Please continue to watch Spike TV....."
Madame,
Since you enjoyed my first two Oprah's so much I must tell you that a third will soon be on the way. First, however, I'll answer your email:

1. I have lots of hobbies; one of which is arguing with emotionacs on the written page. By doing so their fervor is negated and everyone sees how low functioning their ideas really are—without the continuous yips and howls.
2. I'm not self-righteous. Actually I'm rather self-deprecating.
3. I am judgmental. That's why God gave me a brain. Political correctness is unfitting in human beings, my advice for you is to judge everybody, just as you have me.
4. I don't want to ban Oprah. Keep her on so we can all make fun of her. It'll bring men and rational women together. Hey, it could end the war of the sexes. We'd all take turns doing stupid little emotive pet tricks to one another and yukking it up, and who knows, the nation's birthrate could skyrocket.
5. Howard Stern could well be egotistical but he certainly does not embrace lies and mindless emotion like Oprah. He doesn't indoctrinate either. He himself is part of the satire. Oprah's just the opposite. Check out the self-worshipping tone of her autobiography/biography online.
6. 2.4 million fools read O, The Oprah Magazine each month. Imagine! And no known Chernobyl ever occurred in the country either. There can be no sane explanation.
7. Just because your target audience is women does not give one an excuse to be racist, sexist, and a liar.
8. No one I know watches Spike TV and if they do they certainly aren't influenced by it. It's silly. It doesn't attempt to imply that only males are sexual abusers as her Wednesday program did. Besides, can you imagine a Spike TV booklist? Get real. Nobody would pay any attention. As men, we usually go our own way. Conformity is a sin.
9. I am not a dufus, which by the way, is the correct spelling of the word; although (he said without a drip of self-righteousness) I make a great many grammatical errors myself.
10. That women are the intended audience is exactly why the shows SHOULDN'T be all about them. Go out and learn something new. You don't need to focus on yourself. Study! Read! Labor! It's not all about you. Please consider my "It's all about me" index here. This is a great measure and may one day be incorporated into human resource exams. Remember the words of the U.N.C.F.: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
9. If Oprah's your inspiration, my sincere condolences. There is life after cults—in most cases.
10. Where did the race thing come from? I don't care about race but for you it seems to be very important. A person's skin pigmentation has nothing to do with their personality. You and I have far more in common than you do with a person living in Ghana or I do with a Romanian. Forget about race; it's so 1960. Treat people as individuals. There's no excuse for racism. As for your racial obsession, I don't care about the color of someone's hair. Only a sick racist thinks about things like blonde hair. Oprah's complexion is rather pleasing actually. In fact, she's 15 years older than me and looks 5 years younger. Amazing!
11. Where did the Hitler reference come from, Miss? Hitler…then racism, hmm, that's not a good sign, Miss. Do you know anything about history? Hitler killed, depending on how you define it, over 10 million people. He nearly exterminated one people and left his own people to die through his infamous, but never carried out, Nero Order. No contemporary American should ever be compared to Hitler. That's so ignorant. I don't like Jimmy Carter and I never have, but there's no reason to compare him to a mass murderer just because I don't like him.
12. Oprah fat? You're not much of a fan, she's not fat by any measure. She's quite lean.
13. Oprah encourages excuse making because then her flock can blame men rather than themselves—for everything. The male ego is much smaller than the female ego. That's why women mention it so much so we don't notice their's. When was the last time you saw a man cry or hate you for 10 years because of "the way you said something." Wake up.
14. I said Oprah was a megalomaniac. That's not the same as having an ego.
15. I do not, and never have, idolized Donald Trump. Are you feeling okay? Who are you talking to? Is that because I'm white that you think I like Donald Trump? Now really, who's the racist?
16. Oprah's a liar and an idiot, and yes, for any lawyers in the audience, that is simply my opinion. You're welcome to have yours. This is America. It's not like this is Revolutionary France. If you ask me, her program is for stupid people. It's not threatening. I think we should all just make fun of her together--as one.
17. Lastly Miss, your email address [it was some reference to her being #1]. You're not the first. You're simply another person in our grand United States. It's not all about you.
You have inspired me though. I dodged the program yesterday. I must remember my duty. A pity they're not aired over the weekend.
Oprah 4: My Venture into Hell.
By Bernard Chapin
My Cross to Bear IV: Drama, Blood, Drama, and Drama.
I believe it was Lady Galadriel who, in The Fellowship of the Ring, warned of a shadow descending in the West Loop on Carpenter Street. How prophetic were her words as the Oprah machine at its Harpo Studios continued to contaminate our public square today with a program focusing on two seriously disturbed young ladies. The episode told us much about the girls, mental illness, and not-so-secret biases of billionaire host.
Both of the girls, in the lowest of emotional states, agreed to be filmed keeping with our voyeuristic culture. They agreed to be filmed during the lowest parts of their time for a documentary called "Intervention" on A&E. Alyson likes crack. She was selected to be a White House intern 3 times and said you're not invited back unless you're really good Then they showed a picture of Clinton. Was I the only one who laughed? They show her steal drugs from her dying dad. Has to be the best built and attractive drug addict in history. Hey, "your sister's on drugs and you're not here for me." Had the cameras not been following her one wonders if she would have been doing it. Dad shows part of the problem by asking the therapist to "soft shoe her," just as she has been soft shoed her entire life.
White House Intern to crack addict.
What was immediately remarkable was that she couldn't wait to go. She happily goes into rehab and needs major "Valium for her trip." Her dad gives her more. She actually quit. has been clean for nine months and came on the show. Then her sister came out and cried. A camera turned to an audience member who was also crying. Oprah told them to her to "speak to her from your heart." The sister wrote her a letter that was spiteful I believe. It reminded me of the treaty Germany signed after the first World War about what a selfish plague the sister had been forever. I'm happy for the first time.
The show Tamela, who looked a bit like the late Wendy O'Williams. She turned to cutting which they flashed a stat that 2 million Americans cut themselves. A bogus statistic if there every was one. They show a clip of much cutting cutting It's quite graphic.
"I love to tease guys. It gives me power and control." Then she gets mad because as she's out teasing guys on the street dressed like Courtney Love she is called a whore by one of them."
She says, "I just wish somebody loved me."
A fragile mentally ill girl is not the stuff of Big TV so Oprah has to pretend that there's something "normal about her." I was molested as a child and now "I don't have the tools" to deal with life.
Grandma and three guys molested me. "Do you mean grandpa?" Oprah said, she couldn't believe that a non-male did the molesting.
She claims 50% of those who cut were sexually molested. Personally
She's really very pretentious. Listen to this sentence, "a problem of manifestation, a manifestation of molestation." Violent and angry they pretend that this could be anyone. They film her breaking doors and cutting. "I wish that somebody would love me." Masochism like the Anabel Chong movie. Belongs in a treatment facility. Went to treatment and showed up on the show. Stopped cutting six months before. Oprah as 1 out of 4 women have been molested, but Oprah thinks it's higher. Oprah cuts her off to talk about her. "I was a promiscuous teenager. I thought I was a bad girl."
These are lies of course. Anti-Christian can't "pray it away."
Shame, I had to discipline myself.
Results of therapy: "I'm not ashamed of anything." This program is virulent.
Two shows in, I now dislike Oprah 5 times more than I did before. You can see why these people are so ignorant as Oprah actually asks her to verbalize why she cuts herself which is absurd. Then she adds to making the girl feel unusual
Raised with religion "religion did not help you." "My relationship with God is personal and can't be anybody else's." Oprah said, "That is true." How does she know? Because she is the devine. Very judgmental of parents but who has she raised. "Do you see what an enabler you were now?" That the numbers of sexual abuse are declining.
Intervention.
Watching Oprah 4: My Venture to Hell.
By Bernard Chapin
Older women who say talk shows and soap operas are their favorite TV programs tend to score more poorly on tests of memory, attention and other cognitive skills, researchers reported Monday.
The long strange trip with Oprah continues and today we enter the world of American poverty. Apparently, many of us, the host exempted, "are only two paychecks" away from becoming paupers. As a means of illuminating the nation's difficulties, she recruited some primetime journos such as Maria Shriver and Anderson Cooper. They helped uncover "our country's dirty little secret" which is that "37 million live in poverty right now." Actually, it's not a secret at all. It's published information easily obtained via a government website. Why is it dirty? I guess it's dirty because there aren't enough of us moping over it at present. That it doesn't monopolize daily conversation hurts Oprah mightily. Income disparity cannot be a natural feature of diverse societies. It must be somebody's fault just like natural disasters or things which make us feel uncomfortable.
Of course, blaming people for the fate of those they haven't met and likely never will is ridiculous. The obsession of high society types with the poor usually has nothing to do with a desire to better them. It is more to do with creating an avenue wherein they can be self-righteous and look down on others. They point to the homeless, and shake their head in our general direction: "Oh shame, oh shame, why don't we help those whom society has forsaken?" Their stance is just a pose. There's no reason to feel guilt or shame regarding activities or situations of which you've never been a part. The proper response is sympathy, and a desire to problem solve. Negative emotions are counter-productive. If someone really cares about person A then they'll look at him as an individual and not as a means of extracting vengeance from person C.
The practice of marshalling emotions to cast stigma upon others is exactly why a select number of sane men and women should watch shows like this. Reporting our findings back to non-watchers, who mostly regard daytime slop as merely goofy, allows them to realize just how harmful this bit of entertainment really is. More columns should be written. The admiration with which Oprah is drenched has caused her, in my humble opinion, to speak without a filter. One of the statements she made today was bizarre: "This country lives on depression medication." Actually, our nation doesn't. That her audience does is quite possible as I saw a commercial for www.depressionhurts.com during one of the episodes. Concerning the prevalence of depression, one source stated that, during a single year, 9.5 percent of the population suffers from some form of depression, but that, "[m]ost people with a depressive illness do not seek treatment… "
The statistics which are constantly made use of and, at least during this episode, never referenced are something the host would do well to be depressed over herself. To make use of statistics without representation is to propagandize, not enlighten. This is particularly true in regards to poverty as all sorts of statistics are mentioned. The first one about the 37 million was legitimate and a direct reflection of Census figures. One happy result of the Census data is that it showcases black Americans overall being middle class or better. Only 24.7 percent are classified as poor. Oprah implies that poverty is an ethnic problem, as one statistic mentioned claimed that 63 percent of minority children are poor, but we definitely know that race has nothing to do with it as more whites are poor than Asians in our country.
Yet, like a Willie Nelson song, race is always on her mind. With a wry __expression, Oprah asks Cooper, in regards to those dispossessed by Hurricane Katrina, about whether the official response would have been any different had those suffering been wealthy white Americans. The famous reporter tells her that that is a valuable question to ask. She insists on a less diplomatic answer. The most he'll say is, "In some ways." A better question to ask is, "What would the response have been like had the victims been wealthy celebrities like Oprah?" We know the compassion she directed towards sales clerks in Hermes, so imagine how she'd react after one of her carpets got damaged. It's easy to make light of lightweight analysis, but the constant way that the media pretends white Americans are privileged is absurd. Asian's are richer than whites and have lower rates of incarceration, so, for her statement to be true, she'd have to direct it towards those of Asian extraction (which would still be madness, but it would be a less politically correct form of madness; hence, she'd never do it).
As for single mothers, we hear that 42 percent are at or below the poverty level. In fact, the Census number is 30.5 percent. Is an 11.5 percent exaggeration acceptable? Maybe we should look the other way. After all, it's not as if she has any employees on hand to do the type of research I just did in five minutes. For married couples, the poverty rate is only 6.4 percent. Perhaps marriage—one outside the auspices of the state would be ideal—is the solution to the problem. Oprah would never consider a fascistic truth like that though. To make such a connection is anti-woman. When she runs for president in a few years, a possible campaign slogan might be, "For every woman, unlimited choices with unlimited consequences!"
For this topic, Oprah went out in person, and, yet again, a guest began crying at the sight of her. Oprah quotes noted demographic researcher, Chris Rock, when he stated that the poor only get one chance in life, and, should they make a mistake, it's over forever. Actually, that's not even remotely true. Even an interviewee with a house lacking running water has hope for the future. She even had a job interview scheduled for the following week even though Oprah claimed in her introduction that there was no possible employment for any of the residents.
The implied, "I'm better, more compassionate, and caring," nature of her mission became evident when the daytime sorceress asked, "Now that you've seen the poor around this country, why should you care?" This is a most obnoxious thing to say as it suggests that most of us are below empathizing with the misfortunes of others. Here she attempts to illustrate her goodness, and the lack of it in everyone else. The very reason she organized the show around poverty was that, after the news coverage subsided, she "was afraid everybody would move on." Saint Oprah will remember and be our conscious; the Noam Chomsky of TV.
Fans of reason would have been greatly disappointed as, by the end, no solutions are offered. The only thing remotely resembling one is Oprah informing us that most of her foundation money goes into education as this is the way out of poverty. This is true to some extent, but since the families highlighted all have access to a free public education it's hard to see it as a panacea. Therefore, let your narrator step into the solutions void here. I'd like to see us go beyond school vouchers which favor home owners who are generally the non-poor. As an enhancement to vouchers alone, I'd like to see parents given the right to make use of the per pupil costs in their district and apply it towards the tuition of whatever school they wish. This will empower the poor with a means to provide their offspring with the best America has to offer. Of course, that I didn't spend thirty minutes emoting before offering up my solution clearly undermines its worth.
The final exchange with Cooper and the host was quite enlightening. The reporter informs her that it's essential for journalists to have "an open heart." Oprah loves him for this quality and says, "That's why I'm watching CNN." Actually, telling the truth is what's essential for a reporter. Their hearts are irrelevant which is exactly why I don't watch CNN and can't wait to turn this prima donna off once my penance is over.
Watching Oprah: My Venture to Hell, Part II.
By Bernard Chapin
Today's episode was split, and the first half featured an interview with glamorous pop star, Beyonce. In case your tastes aren't the same as Mike LaSalle, MND editor and full time Destiny's Child groupie 1, she is the poetic genius behind hits like, "Jumpin Jumpin," "Bootylicious," "Nasty Girl," and "Independent Women." Yet fashion, not music, was the focus.
Oprah began by questioning her guest about the apparel she wears to big time galas. Gigantic pictures of Beyonce were projected on a wall beyond the stage as they spoke. The diva shared tales of gowns, paparazzi, and material while the audience oohed at the appropriate junctures. Her mother was then brought forth. It quickly became apparent that the reason they were there was to promote their new clothing line. A not so impromptu fashion show commenced. Models and catwalks appeared. The last two models in the rotation were her former band mates from Destiny's Child. To my untrained eye, the new spring line appears to have Daisy Duke, Victoria's Secret, and Walton Family influences.
Oprah proceeded to pull a Mike Wallace and asked the questions all us soul searching types wanted to know like, "What do you splurge on?" From there, it shifted to the controversial subject of jeans. I hit the record button, there no way was I going to let this heady stuff slip through the memory hole. Beyonce has the amount already set for her jeans. They start at the "very reasonable" price of $118.00. The topic seemed to titillate Oprah. She loved the fact that these jeans were for women with "boo-tay." Oprah warned her constituency though, the "Size 29s," that they should not wear these revealing clothes out and about. She laughed heartily. In her present day skinny state, I hope that no charges of fatism are levied against her. To further heighten the fashion induced euphoria, Oprah gave to the audience a gift of free jeans. The crowd went gaga. Jealousy overtook me.
Of course we all know that Woman cannot live by couture alone. The great entrepreneur then turned to mother and daughter, and asked Beyonce to tell the world what her mom meant to her.
Lights, Camera, EMOTION!
Ms. Knowles proceeded to state that her mother was the best one in the entire world while the audience hummed its approval. Tears flowed from both guests. It was a stirring moment…provided you're a total idiot.
I do have to admit that there was one redeeming element to the segment, however, as Oprah actually admitted, "I can't imagine what it's like to be a mother figure." I couldn't agree more. Now when will American mothers get with the program and turn her off?
The second segment was an infomercial for her new play based on The Color Purple. It's headed for Broadway, and guess who's producing it? That's right, Oprah, the fatcat billionaire down the street from me. The camera framed Quincy Jones who sat expressionlessly in the audience as Oprah went on and on about her experiences on the set of the film. Apparently, reading the book changed her life, and, unbelievably, she was lucky enough to land a part in the film. She then let roll a clip from the film centering on, you guessed it, her character. While it ran, audience members repeated her lines word for word, as did Oprah. Then, to further illustrate the way she changes lives, she showed a clip of white man paying homage to her in Texas. It seems that years ago the fellow spontaneously decided to recite her movie speech in answer to a question on her show. The irony is that the clip features an Oprah physiologically incompatible with the lean, mileage free machine we have before us everyday at 11 pm.
Apparently, shameless self-adulation from both speech and film was not enough for her. The host got out a diary she kept while working on the shoot. Oprah read from it and exclaimed, "Everything from 'The Color Purple' feels like love to me." What does such a clichéd claptrap sentence mean? Nothing. How anyone can be influenced by such a person is beyond my comprehension. The more familiar with her I become, the more I regard her bravado and attitude as being a function of pervasive insecurity and unintelligence. She keeps the playing field forever imbalanced by contaminating it with hackneyed emotion and sentimental schlock. Without it, she'd be just another person who liked to hear her own voice.
Just when one couldn't think the narcissism could be projected any more flamboyantly, Oprah decided to surprise the cast from "The Color Purple" musical with her presence; a cast which is subordinate to her. They greeted her in a manner similar to the way Lincoln must have been received in Richmond by the freedmen. She decided not to mention the clear-cut conflict of interest that she, as its producer, had, and went on to encourage the studio audience to go out and see her "Broadway baby." Then, the cast appeared so they could enact her favorite scene. Yes, the same scene we already saw on film except this time twenty women were a part of it. They danced around urging that "Hell No" should be the response when any man tries to touch them in a threatening manner. "Hell No" was sung and repeated endlessly. It was an artistic low matched only by soap operas. One woman even had a shotgun with her to defend against men—hey, I thought violence never solved anything?
We find that Oprah views "The Color Purple" as being divine. Why? Because she is a representative of the divine on earth and she thinks that it is so there's little to discuss about the topic. Obviously, this is preposterous though. To pretend that "The Color Purple," as a film, has the value of "The Godfather or "A Room with a View" is a non-sequitur. It can't even stand up to the likes of "Spies like Us" let alone any of the grand cinemagraphic monuments. Recall what the mind of its author, Alice Walker, is like. She is a writer completely unfamiliar with human nature. Despite the shotgun display in the aforementioned musical segment, she believes that the following approach would work best with Osama Bin Laden:
But what would happen to his cool armor if he could be reminded of all
the good, nonviolent things he has done? Further, what would happen to
him if he could be brought to understand the preciousness of the lives he
has destroyed? I firmly believe the only punishment that works is love.
What would this country be like if people like Walker had political power? Quite honestly, they already do in certain locales. Should a few more get elected, her kind won't have a nation to criticize for much longer.
The show ended with everyone singing the theme song from "The Color Purple." The camera panned to Oprah. She was crying as she sang just as if the media refused to cover a trip to Hermes. Honestly, this program is so contrived and heavy-handed that I wouldn't have been surprised if credits for the "Jew Suss" rolled at the end.
That Oprah is a megalomaniac is presumed, but that she is scamming her gullible audience appears undeniable. In her life she has caused considerable damage to her followers as a result of peddling what "feels good" rather than what is true, but here we must add economic exploitation to her long list of malpractices. All of this leads me to an important question. If women are so easily fooled by this self-serving charlatan, then why do we as a society pretend that women have superior intuition to men? Don't expect an answer anytime soon.
Today I'm going to have to add a new subscale to our measurements.
Corruption Index: 10—Boss Tweed has entered the building.
Castration Index: 5—Honestly, I'd give the first half hour a zero. The Beyonce segment was fine. The second half was a musical advertisement for sisters to band together against the horror of men—inspired, that's right, by a work by a lesbian.
Irresponsibilty Index: 0—It just wasn't an issue.
"It's all about me" Scale: 10—Well, it was all about Oprah, but, as far as women in general go, it was pretty much your standard, "embrace the meaningless, frivolous things in life" production.
Pity Promenade: 0—Emotion Promenade? Yes. Pity? No.
OVERALL RATING=25.